There are many reasons why it is so difficult to be in a relationship with the ones you love. When talking about romantic relationships, there are many differences that people often forget to consider. Here are some examples:
- Family – People come from different families with different backgrounds. Each family has their own “beliefs” that may have been passed down from generations. Conflicts can appear when your beliefs are different than your partner’s.
- Birth Order – Many types of researches have taught us that birth order is important. First-child grows up with inexperienced parents, who can pass down their anxieties or such. Second– or Middle-child can be more like a mediator and pacifier in their families. Youngest–child can be “spoiled” (or raised by parents who are either overwhelmed with the other children or more experienced to know certain things are not that important to fret about). Only–child can be an entirely different breed, yet be similar to the others regarding their positive and negative traits.
- Development – How you were raised (strict vs. permissive parents) is as important as the environment around you: your school (public vs. private), your neighborhood (safe vs. unsafe), and other family members or babysitters who may have influenced who you are.
- Temperament – The trait you were born with, temperament comes from your genes and development as a fetus. You are who you are. You must accept and understand your partner’s temperament and vice versa. There is no changing here.
- Trauma – Small or big, trauma can stay with a person for a long time. It can cause anxiety and phobias. It can spread over many areas. Trauma can leave residues that might make it difficult for your partner to understand you. For example, a person who has been bitten by a white dog as a child, might have anxiety when in the presence of dogs (or any “furry thing”), may dislike the white color, or may never wear white clothes.
When you look at yourself and your partner and see that your relationship is beginning to deteriorate, it might be that one (or more) factors mentioned above may be at play. Some issues are easier to overcome than others (family beliefs vs. trauma), while others are impossible to overcome (temperament).
Talking to a good psychotherapist can help you reveal where the problem exists and give you ways to overcome them.
For more information on relationship issues consult www.marzullodove.com
Dr. Rosana Marzullo-Dove
Doctoral of Clinical Psychology